I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
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