at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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