omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
