Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
