a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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