I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
