OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
