who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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