I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
