I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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