So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
