I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just pynch a tree in the face
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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