since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
