So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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