I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
