god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
