i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
