Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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