My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
