I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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