Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
