You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
