So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
