his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
