So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
