haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
