You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
