Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
