Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He passed out mid-signature
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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