So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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