You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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