Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
