I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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