My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
