Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
