even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
