I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
