Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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