Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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