i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
