Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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