I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
