He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
