i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
