i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
