Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
