If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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