I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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