Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
