just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
