It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
