my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
