The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
