it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
