Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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