Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
